Desire
by DeMoKa
Summary: Hatsumomo's memoir of her undesired affection for Sayuri. film based and femslash! shoujo ai! hatsumomosayuri updated to fix mistakes


**My first ever Memoirs of a Geisha fic. Based on the film mind you, though I have read the book. The on screen chemistry is just too strong to bear! That scene! Where Hatsumomo clutches Sayuri close enough to kiss! GAH:) **

I wanted you to leave and never return. I wanted you to stay out of my way and never enter my thoughts again, but that was wishing for too much, wasn't it? Why did I hate you so? At first, it was because you were another mouth to feed, siphoning off my earnings. I hated that, I never understood why I had to provide for the rest of the failures and wannabes. I knew you had potential, but you were too young to add to the house's earnings. I was the sole provider. I had tried to do away with you, cause trouble for you, force Mother and Aunty to beat you and destroy your cute little face. I had even tried to trick you with the promise of your sister.

But no, the breaking point was when you screamed that I had a man in my room. You told confessed my harboring of my boyfriend, so that the attention would be diverted from you to me. Aunty had slapped me, I took it in stride and then I glanced at you with all the malice I had. No matter, I was too powerful and needed to be punished further. I had also decided that night was to be his last to ever visit me again. However, it was you who stayed burned into my mind. Your defiant yet frightened eyes, staring at me, challenging and pleading me at the same time. I tried to ignore it.

As you grew into a blossoming young woman, I began to realise that you would be my rival, my enemy. Try as I might, I could not use every dirty trick I knew to try to persuade you into giving up. Your personality and will would not let up nor submit to me. I wished to slap you every time I saw your innocent face. It made me sick to the stomach at the same time, I was falling for you. It was because of your eyes, your watery and captivating eyes. When I first realised this I had stormed up to my room in a rage, then to my shock and horror, you were there, fingering my paints and make up with those delicate fingers.

I remembered your past and insulted you with all that popped into my head. Here I was, trying to console myself for being attracted to a young girl with raging anger and there you were, ready to receive my explosion of emotion. I was not used to having to disguise my desire and I thrashed out against you. Insulting and smacking you, as if I could wipe you from this earth and my mind.

That was not even the peak of my distraught and utter confusion. Mameha stepped back into my life. The geisha, no, the woman, who ruled the entire geisha kingdom was back to haunt me. She was already the most successful geisha ever and still, I had to prod her. I, who forced you to ruin one of her finest kimonos. I had been drunk, trying to drown you out of my mind with all the liquor bought from my foolish clients.

Again, you appeared in my path and I, in a stupor wrenched you to Mameha's house and forced you into more trouble. I had enjoyed a tiny part of it as I was holding your hand. I soon let go and watched as Mother and Aunty ripped your back into shreds. I tried to find satisfaction in it, but to no avail.

She wanted revenge and wanted to destroy me. Under that calm, gentle and sweet demeanor, lay an aggressively possessive tigress. I knew the truth although the rest of Japan didn't believe me. When I heard the news of her taking over your tutoring, I saw blood crimson red. I knew that she knew of my affections for you, she was determined to use you against me. Thus began my torment of watching you leave daily to classes and then to Mameha's domain. I feared for you, that you would become like her.

I was foolish to even think that as I knew you would be your own person, running after your foolish dream of being the Chairman's beloved. She sculpted you well and I could see that you would definitely take my title and soon her own. She had not realised how well she had taught you, not only to disarm me, but to disarm her. You reigned as queen geisha, but you did not really want the power.

You returned from a performance, I was waiting for you; I had foolishly looked at your belongings, smelling them to get your scent. Your arrogant yet calm decorum infuriated me, could you not see how Mameha was only using you? I flared up again; one of my lesser traits of a short temper caused so much strife between us. I grabbed you and held you close to me. There and then I wanted to ravage you with kisses and my fingers and tongue. A glint in your eye caused me to think you knew my affection for you, but how could it be. I wanted to have you, but... I knew you would run in disgust and have me thrown out, so instead I threw you to the ground. I continued to pretend to despise you.

I wanted to submit to my feelings, for you to submit to my touch, love and affection. You feared me, of course you did, had I not attempted to instill that upon you the moment you arrived and touched my things with your smelly little hands? I regret it all now, if I had simply treated you like any other little servant girl, perhaps this may not have happened. If I had not pretended to favour Pumpkin. If I had pretended to favour you, would you be mine?

Now, I wander the streets, forced to sell my body, my body that I would have gladly given to you. I wish I could turn back time and erase my secretive journey into your room and I wish I had not found the Chairman's handkerchief. It was the stimulus that unleashed my jealous demons upon you. I acted like a spurned lover and you had no idea why, you thought I was jealous of you when I was jealous of the Chairman. I was so enraged and blinded that I caused the fire, attempted to burn the handkerchief and hurt you deeply instead.

You screamed at me and I, watching the fire realising that my slim chances with you had gone up in flames. I left. I looked up at you from the street and you glanced down at me with no expression. I wanted to turn back and run into your arms, but that was merely a fantasy. I had truly lost you. I never returned, I was too ashamed to show my face to you ever again. However, whenever you perform, I attend your performances and watch, and smile at the fact that all those men who pine after you will never know you like I do.

I had failed in my mission to destroy your career, to keep you by my side and lost you to Mameha. But I shall never forget your face, your eyes and your soul.

I love you, Sayuri. I, Hatsumomo, truly am sorrowful for never telling you my true feelings.

**I hope that wasn't too ridiculous. I really loved the idea of them together, or rather that Hatsumomo had ulterior motives to attempting to destroy Sayuri's career. I love Michelle Yeoh, so I was sad to make her character a villain here. Wow, seriously though, Gong Li embodied my image of Hatsumomo perfectly, bitch! Zhang Ziyi is one of the best Asian female actors I'll ever know! **


End file.
